Archive for December, 2010

Kenny Asked Me to Write Something Wonderful about Him

I said I would write this post about my husband’s wonderful qualities, since in previous posts, I revealed the challenges we had as a couple working our relationship to the best of our abilities. That’s always so hard to remember when we’re in the thick of it. Not only us, but the generations before us and the ones to come–we’re all always doing the best we can, such as it is. And that deserves to be loved and to be shown compassion and understanding and acceptance. What stands in the way of those qualities of the Soul? Judgment, self-judgment, judging others without really knowing what’s in their hearts and how challenging it may be for them to access their heart of hearts. So here I am, reinforcing for my own edification, my husband’s wonderful and positive qualities.

Kenny would say, “Come out here and look at the moon, Carol. It’s almost full.” (In other words) “I can’t wait for it to be full. Then I can’t wait for it to be a sliver again. Then full again. I never tire of being awestruck in the presence of the moon, hanging bright over a cloudless sky. The wilderness pulls me all the time to its peace and serenity. I’m at home there. I feel the earth and the creatures, and I innately understand them and me as one. I love my campsite in the mountains. I go there whenever I can. I challenge myself to not just survive in the pristine and rugged terrain, but to thrive in it. It’s cold most nights, and I cover myself with as little as I can while my simple little campfire warms me just enough. I love the pines and the boulders, and the air as I breathe in God’s gift.”

And the clouds in the sky. What a magnificent show God and Mother Earth put on for us. Billowing, puffy white clouds, streaming cottony strings of clouds, thunder clouds–I love the rain, he would say. And the wind. Stir up the air and Kenny was happy. Have I mentioned yet that he survived Hurricane Iniki on Kauai in 1992? Did I tell you the one about the car trip where he pulled us out of a giant squeeze between two semi’s in our little Honda CRV? Unscathed! Except for the adrenalin coursing through our veins and seizing our nervous systems.

He loved horse races and stories about racing. I’d look over at him while we were watching and tears would be streaming down his face. What was that, I would ask. He’d have that sheepish grin filled with innocence and wonder. “I love the race, the magnificence of the horse. I feel God’s presence in the race, in being the best one can be, in outrunning my own personal best. He was an athlete in his youth, sprinting, hurdling, and swimming, footballing, and all the rest. In funny moments he would make us laugh by isolating just about any muscle including wiggling one ear at a time. That’s how trained his body was.

Kenny loved to learn. What a voracious appetite for information, and putting that stuff to good use. He devoured books on just about anything that interested him. And he could recite any part of it to the amazement of those who cared to listen. Scroll back to the Yardsale Post and you’ll read all about what he loved.

Handsome wasn’t enough to describe the magnetism of his bright blue eyes. But it’s also not enough to swim in his eyes, because not far away was the forever smile. His mouth had that turned-up-at-the-corners quality and together with those baby blues, he was always welcoming and warm. And helpful to anyone that asked. Made me fall in love with him despite his wiggling ears!

What about tenderness? Whenever we watched a tender scene in a movie or on T-V, or listened to a meaningful song, he would make a point to hug me or hold my hand or otherwise show me he was touched and wanted to share his heart with me. Of course I melted–every time.

Well ‘nough said tonight on this subject, although it doesn’t take much to get me to talk about him, to think about him, and to try to accept that he is gone from this physical world. It’s the intimacy of a companion that I miss. Coming home to him or welcoming him home. Saying I love you and snuggling to share a good night’s sleep. Waking and then meditating together. The closeness of being with each other day by day, and planning for the future, and telling each other about our dreams, the ones we have at night and the ones we have when we’re awake.

Mostly there was an unspoken bond that held us to each other even in the tough times when others would have let go. The commitment of one Soul to the other Soul, the marriage vows that specifically promised we’d go into the Heart of God together. Little did I know he would go so soon, but even now I understand that he will be assisting me to reach up into the high realms where his radiant form resides to find my own Soul and experience it fully while I’m still here traversing this life on Earth. Love is eternal. Love is unconditional. Love is all there is.

I invite you share your own views or ask questions either in the comments field or by email to I will do my best to respond to all. And may we all have a blessed Christmas and New Year Celebrations. Me, I’m going to focus on my fond memories and the sweetness I’m left with during these first months of my new life. Doing my best to treat myself with kindness and caring.


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