Posts tagged compassion

It’s All in How You Look at It, the Blessings

I asked Kenny what to write about to begin the process of ending this book and he said, “What if you were to look back on your life and your relationship with me and my illness and my death and all the learnings you are now aware of as blessings?”

This is for a later chapter, but that reminds me to mention here that I am convinced blessings reverberate throughout the universe. Can you embrace that! Isn’t that remarkable to contemplate? Same is true of negative thoughts. Throughout the ENTIRE universe! No wonder the title of one of John-Roger’s award-winning books is You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought.

The blessings:
As noted in the New Day Herald article earlier in this book, Kenny was as much looking for me as I was for him. Our friends thought we’d make a good match and if you believe that blessings ripple throughout all creation, then it must be true the entire universe was lined up to support the match. The blessing? We both were in the right place at the right time to do the right action—to find each other.

Our friendship grew rapidly from spending time chatting about our interests, which had proved to be similar in many ways (or so our minds construed them to be) to within a month holding hands after a sumptuous Thanksgiving Dinner. The blessing? Time stood still that month while we meandered through tales of our lives together. While we found infinite ways to drink in each other’s essence. While we filled ourselves with memories of the last encounter until we would be steeped in the next one. It was as if we had known each other since before time.

And indeed as noted earlier in this book, we assisted each other in dying at least thirty-five lifetimes prior to this one and we had been together in one way or another for at least one hundred lifetimes. It was as if we had known each other since before time!

On Leap Day 1996 at Beloved Windermere Ranch, just three months after we first held hands, Kenny proposed to me. Those three months flew by dotted by a trip to my cousins’ for Christmas where he met my family for the first time, and a New Year’s celebration at home-sweet-home and many evenings pouring over projects for which he was my volunteer at the seminary. I hadn’t said yes yet. Having been married twice before and witnessing others take their vows, and the karma that went with them, it took another two months for me to finally agree. The blessing? Patience? Or is it blindly sitting on the conveyor belt of the march toward matrimony? Perhaps the blessing is the ability to see but not see. To know on one level the lessons and blessings that were to streak through the sky like Haley’s Comet racing to earth once the legal deed was done, and on another level to unconsciously ignore the star shower as each day rolled by.

I think it was the latter—for we made our bed (carved out the karma), we lay in it (met the karma with the best each of us could give to it), and what was to come was a marriage of multidimensional awareness (oblivious to solutions in the physical but willing to slog through it on every other level) that got richer with each passing day.

The marriage vows were deep, the Traveler’s blessing was profound, our purpose on earth in this lifetime was being played out, unraveling a blow-by-blow battle of wits, habits, untruths, blind furies, and pull-no-punches protective maneuvers, while our Souls were dancing with delight that we’d found each other, that someday soon, not more than fifteen years later, it would all become crystal clear why in the first place the match was made in heaven.

Yes indeed, we would culminate this agreement to go into the Heart of God together by completely abandoning our conditioned relationship for one of unconditional loving, gratitude, selfless service, single focused, tenderness, depth of understanding and oneness. As for my multidimensional abilities, all this wonderment was rolling by like a 16mm movie projection while my body and mind did the tasks at hand to care for Kenny, and my emotions tried to negate the depth we were experiencing on other levels—I kept busy doing tasks that would push my grief away. Amazing how this happens. It is a result of damaged nerve pathways which limit the types of responses one has toward traumatic or even just any powerful experiences.

The blessing: to at the very least, know one is experiencing multidimensional awareness. And to at most, have profound gratitude to God, to the Christ, to Kenny’s Soul, to my strength and endurance to emerge from the most powerful era of my life to date, whole and acutely aware of the deep and no-turning-back learning, releasing, healing, blessings that have been and continue to be bestowed upon me.

I can truly say I am more conscious of both my strengths and my weaknesses than ever before. I can truly say the lessons are more tender than ever before, mainly because I am spending more time in my observer consciousness, watching how I respond to situations and circumstances. And in midstream, I’m more willing to try on new behaviors that I could not even imagine myself doing before.

Most profound is my willingness to come into the loving, even when there may be friction, maybe an insult here and there, maybe a jealousy coming my way or projecting out from me. In the last year I have consciously brought the loving to some challenging relationships in my life. And that loving has changed these relationships dramatically. With one of them, I no longer see the other person as trying to control me. With another, I forgive their lashing out at me for unexplainable reasons. Yet another was transformed by consciously coming into the loving whenever I felt left out or jealous. Compassion works wonders also. It’s really a special kind of loving where our consciousness moves into the oneness and understands the other person’s predicament or their response or their weakness. Our heart goes out (at it were and perhaps more than figuratively) and in that oneness we embrace who they really are, who we all really are: Spiritual Beings having a human experience.

I am blessed beyond words. My husband died, my life opened up in ways heretofore unimaginably positive. I experience more joy, fulfillment and neutrality than I could have wished for before his illness and transition. Our nine months of complete and utter devotion to his living as long as he possibly could, my complete and utter surrender to my role in his life, and the prayer that emanated from our depths paved the way for miracles of awareness and enlightenment and prepared me for the greatest awakening of my life.

Kenny even found his way into my father’s consciousness. In messages since his passing, he told me my relationship with my father was getting closer. That my dad was nearby working with me like Kenny was working with me. This opened a huge space in my heart for the loving compassion that my father deserved. Having seen mortal combat in World War II, he came back a broken man. Now they would call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Then their only tool was pity. Much like my nerve pathways were blocked, I imagine his were also. So demonstrating affection toward his daughter was probably out of the question. All these decades since he died, in my own way I have abandoned my father, much like I thought he had abandoned me when he went off to war and came back two years later unrecognizable to my two-year old self.

These realizations are blessed with healing and upliftment. I think of my father today and instead of stoic resignation of my loss, I extend affection and love and softness with an embrace of acceptance and tenderness. And I feel that coming from him wherever he is today. Here’s a piece from Kenny’s messages that reflects this part of my story:

Kenny can you help me contact Daddy tonight?
Sweetie Carol, he’s right here blowing you kisses on your birthday. He wants you to know you can contact him directly whenever you want to and he’s loving you and the work you did this weekend. He will care for your little one. He will show you how to love her and dissolve all the misunderstandings about your body. He will bring you healing in your dreams and open up a new way of loving yourself like never before in this lifetime. He says you are loved because you are divine and oh so precious to him. You are our sweetie Baby! Together along with Cherish, we will fill you with the loving energy of your father here and in heaven such that you are so very fulfilled. God Bless You, We Love You, Peace be Still.

The blessing: I’m still here to record these miracles. I’m still here to experience more joy and more fulfillment, and even more happiness as I move forward in my life. I’m still here to keep activating my ministry every day, keep realizing more and more of its power. And when it’s my time to leave this planet for the last time, may there be a smile on my face, Light in my eyes, and a prayer in my heart to reach up into my High Form and meet those Angels Kenny told me about who will gladly welcome my Soul into the Heart of God.


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Have I Ever Said I’m Sorry to Myself?

I haven’t made an entry in several months. Have been deeply experiencing the changes in my consciousness due to a strengthened nervous system. Have watched myself respond differently to stress, differently to the unexpected, differently to what before might have caused me to react negatively. Yet I haven’t known what to write. Remember I am still reeling from the effects of my Kenny’s illness and death. A whole new era of my life has opened up, for which he prepared me, outfitted me to the hilt by allowing me to learn unconditional love and unconditional service, selfless service for the last nine months of his life. This constant positive input culminating with his conscious death and glorious ascension into the heart of God, was like shooting me out of a cannon–a wildly targeted blast to my consciousness.

While I miss him still, even after all these months, I can only move forward, processing the new awarenesses, the new behaviors, the new thoughts and emotions, the greater capacity to love and forgive. In my marriage I didn’t have the courage to face my own demons, so I spent inordinate energy, time, frustration, and upset, trying to fix Kenny’s demons. They at least had names. Mine were so hidden I couldn’t name them let alone define them and work with them. Now don’t you find that pretty stupid? Haven’t you heard it said so many times over your lifetime that you cannot change anyone else? Well I have too. Honestly! Many times! But being locked into a deeply embedded channel of reactivity, scarred by multiple traumas to my nerve pathways throughout at least this lifetime, provided the blinders that matched Kenny’s blinders perfectly. Isn’t karma wonderful! Well OK, hindsight is 20-20 vision, right? I’m not saying all this to berate myself, more I am in awe of how karma works. How locked in we can get when we don’t want to see. We don’t want to move. We don’t want to risk change or even just look at the truth.

My Somatic therapist asked me during one of my sessions if I had compassion for myself. I had to think and then I said I had spent a lot of time regretting my actions or non-actions, or wishing I had more consciousness to do things differently. That compassion came only painstakingly and only rarely. In my Doctor of Spiritual Science class my partner asked me if I’ve ever told myself I’m sorry for past actions and judgments. I had to say no, I hadn’t.

I had been taught about self-forgiveness in my spiritual practices—to forgive myself for judging myself, not for past actions since what good would it do to judge an action that had already taken place, but for the judgment I placed on myself which still sits in here buffering me against my will. But I never thought to tell myself I’m sorry for these actions. So, my friends, this entry was about caring enough for myself to apologize for the less than highest good actions that I either planned myself or promoted by virtue of abdication of my responsibility to myself. And the ones I incurred because of ignorance or not taking myself and my conditions seriously enough or out of plain unawareness if that’s a word—it’s an important one in my book of metaphors.

So broadcasting this across all systems on all levels of consciousness including my physical body, I’m telling every cell of my being all about the love and compassion I am now experiencing for myself and for others. The reptilian mind is being soothed. It can distinguish much more clearly between actual danger and perceived danger and it acts more according to the current situation instead of being locked into “fight or flight.”

My somatic practices make space in my consciousness every day for deep breaths, for anchoring in the new behaviors, for being OK with any feelings or thoughts that may be disturbing, all because I have the tools now to move me from disturbance to okay-ness. And at times I can even move from okay-ness to joy. They call it being resilient. Isn’t that a wonderful term! Being able to bounce back, even being able to see the good in the disturbance (learn the lesson). And isn’t that what life is all about anyway? From the higher perspective, with a physical body, mind, and emotions in tow, the Soul incarnates to learn and to usher itself back into the heart of God. If one can do that while still on the planet, it’s a lesson in learning how to die from this world every day through spiritual exercises, and finally in the end through leaving the body behind for the last time.

Down here on earth, I pray every day for resilience, compassion, heartfelt expression, and just plain loving myself and everyone and everything else. Big order, I know. One day at a time, one acknowledgement at a time. One apology at a time. I invite you to comment on this post or ask questions either by clicking on the space below or contacting me directly at

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Kenny Asked Me to Write Something Wonderful about Him

I said I would write this post about my husband’s wonderful qualities, since in previous posts, I revealed the challenges we had as a couple working our relationship to the best of our abilities. That’s always so hard to remember when we’re in the thick of it. Not only us, but the generations before us and the ones to come–we’re all always doing the best we can, such as it is. And that deserves to be loved and to be shown compassion and understanding and acceptance. What stands in the way of those qualities of the Soul? Judgment, self-judgment, judging others without really knowing what’s in their hearts and how challenging it may be for them to access their heart of hearts. So here I am, reinforcing for my own edification, my husband’s wonderful and positive qualities.

Kenny would say, “Come out here and look at the moon, Carol. It’s almost full.” (In other words) “I can’t wait for it to be full. Then I can’t wait for it to be a sliver again. Then full again. I never tire of being awestruck in the presence of the moon, hanging bright over a cloudless sky. The wilderness pulls me all the time to its peace and serenity. I’m at home there. I feel the earth and the creatures, and I innately understand them and me as one. I love my campsite in the mountains. I go there whenever I can. I challenge myself to not just survive in the pristine and rugged terrain, but to thrive in it. It’s cold most nights, and I cover myself with as little as I can while my simple little campfire warms me just enough. I love the pines and the boulders, and the air as I breathe in God’s gift.”

And the clouds in the sky. What a magnificent show God and Mother Earth put on for us. Billowing, puffy white clouds, streaming cottony strings of clouds, thunder clouds–I love the rain, he would say. And the wind. Stir up the air and Kenny was happy. Have I mentioned yet that he survived Hurricane Iniki on Kauai in 1992? Did I tell you the one about the car trip where he pulled us out of a giant squeeze between two semi’s in our little Honda CRV? Unscathed! Except for the adrenalin coursing through our veins and seizing our nervous systems.

He loved horse races and stories about racing. I’d look over at him while we were watching and tears would be streaming down his face. What was that, I would ask. He’d have that sheepish grin filled with innocence and wonder. “I love the race, the magnificence of the horse. I feel God’s presence in the race, in being the best one can be, in outrunning my own personal best. He was an athlete in his youth, sprinting, hurdling, and swimming, footballing, and all the rest. In funny moments he would make us laugh by isolating just about any muscle including wiggling one ear at a time. That’s how trained his body was.

Kenny loved to learn. What a voracious appetite for information, and putting that stuff to good use. He devoured books on just about anything that interested him. And he could recite any part of it to the amazement of those who cared to listen. Scroll back to the Yardsale Post and you’ll read all about what he loved.

Handsome wasn’t enough to describe the magnetism of his bright blue eyes. But it’s also not enough to swim in his eyes, because not far away was the forever smile. His mouth had that turned-up-at-the-corners quality and together with those baby blues, he was always welcoming and warm. And helpful to anyone that asked. Made me fall in love with him despite his wiggling ears!

What about tenderness? Whenever we watched a tender scene in a movie or on T-V, or listened to a meaningful song, he would make a point to hug me or hold my hand or otherwise show me he was touched and wanted to share his heart with me. Of course I melted–every time.

Well ‘nough said tonight on this subject, although it doesn’t take much to get me to talk about him, to think about him, and to try to accept that he is gone from this physical world. It’s the intimacy of a companion that I miss. Coming home to him or welcoming him home. Saying I love you and snuggling to share a good night’s sleep. Waking and then meditating together. The closeness of being with each other day by day, and planning for the future, and telling each other about our dreams, the ones we have at night and the ones we have when we’re awake.

Mostly there was an unspoken bond that held us to each other even in the tough times when others would have let go. The commitment of one Soul to the other Soul, the marriage vows that specifically promised we’d go into the Heart of God together. Little did I know he would go so soon, but even now I understand that he will be assisting me to reach up into the high realms where his radiant form resides to find my own Soul and experience it fully while I’m still here traversing this life on Earth. Love is eternal. Love is unconditional. Love is all there is.

I invite you share your own views or ask questions either in the comments field or by email to I will do my best to respond to all. And may we all have a blessed Christmas and New Year Celebrations. Me, I’m going to focus on my fond memories and the sweetness I’m left with during these first months of my new life. Doing my best to treat myself with kindness and caring.

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