Archive for August, 2011

Have I Ever Said I’m Sorry to Myself?

I haven’t made an entry in several months. Have been deeply experiencing the changes in my consciousness due to a strengthened nervous system. Have watched myself respond differently to stress, differently to the unexpected, differently to what before might have caused me to react negatively. Yet I haven’t known what to write. Remember I am still reeling from the effects of my Kenny’s illness and death. A whole new era of my life has opened up, for which he prepared me, outfitted me to the hilt by allowing me to learn unconditional love and unconditional service, selfless service for the last nine months of his life. This constant positive input culminating with his conscious death and glorious ascension into the heart of God, was like shooting me out of a cannon–a wildly targeted blast to my consciousness.

While I miss him still, even after all these months, I can only move forward, processing the new awarenesses, the new behaviors, the new thoughts and emotions, the greater capacity to love and forgive. In my marriage I didn’t have the courage to face my own demons, so I spent inordinate energy, time, frustration, and upset, trying to fix Kenny’s demons. They at least had names. Mine were so hidden I couldn’t name them let alone define them and work with them. Now don’t you find that pretty stupid? Haven’t you heard it said so many times over your lifetime that you cannot change anyone else? Well I have too. Honestly! Many times! But being locked into a deeply embedded channel of reactivity, scarred by multiple traumas to my nerve pathways throughout at least this lifetime, provided the blinders that matched Kenny’s blinders perfectly. Isn’t karma wonderful! Well OK, hindsight is 20-20 vision, right? I’m not saying all this to berate myself, more I am in awe of how karma works. How locked in we can get when we don’t want to see. We don’t want to move. We don’t want to risk change or even just look at the truth.

My Somatic therapist asked me during one of my sessions if I had compassion for myself. I had to think and then I said I had spent a lot of time regretting my actions or non-actions, or wishing I had more consciousness to do things differently. That compassion came only painstakingly and only rarely. In my Doctor of Spiritual Science class my partner asked me if I’ve ever told myself I’m sorry for past actions and judgments. I had to say no, I hadn’t.

I had been taught about self-forgiveness in my spiritual practices—to forgive myself for judging myself, not for past actions since what good would it do to judge an action that had already taken place, but for the judgment I placed on myself which still sits in here buffering me against my will. But I never thought to tell myself I’m sorry for these actions. So, my friends, this entry was about caring enough for myself to apologize for the less than highest good actions that I either planned myself or promoted by virtue of abdication of my responsibility to myself. And the ones I incurred because of ignorance or not taking myself and my conditions seriously enough or out of plain unawareness if that’s a word—it’s an important one in my book of metaphors.

So broadcasting this across all systems on all levels of consciousness including my physical body, I’m telling every cell of my being all about the love and compassion I am now experiencing for myself and for others. The reptilian mind is being soothed. It can distinguish much more clearly between actual danger and perceived danger and it acts more according to the current situation instead of being locked into “fight or flight.”

My somatic practices make space in my consciousness every day for deep breaths, for anchoring in the new behaviors, for being OK with any feelings or thoughts that may be disturbing, all because I have the tools now to move me from disturbance to okay-ness. And at times I can even move from okay-ness to joy. They call it being resilient. Isn’t that a wonderful term! Being able to bounce back, even being able to see the good in the disturbance (learn the lesson). And isn’t that what life is all about anyway? From the higher perspective, with a physical body, mind, and emotions in tow, the Soul incarnates to learn and to usher itself back into the heart of God. If one can do that while still on the planet, it’s a lesson in learning how to die from this world every day through spiritual exercises, and finally in the end through leaving the body behind for the last time.

Down here on earth, I pray every day for resilience, compassion, heartfelt expression, and just plain loving myself and everyone and everything else. Big order, I know. One day at a time, one acknowledgement at a time. One apology at a time. I invite you to comment on this post or ask questions either by clicking on the space below or contacting me directly at carol.jones43@yahoo.com

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