My friends,
The book, all 55 chapters plus your messages of encouragement, J-R and John’s counseling, and Kenny’s posthumous messages have gone to my editor and we are in communications about sending sample chapters to an agent. This is exciting. We’re actually taking steps to bring this work out to those who are looking for a spiritual perspective on dying, death, and caregiving. Light to all the next steps is so much appreciated. And loving you all!
In December of 2011, a year and nine months after Kenny passed, he said: Hey Honey, do me a favor and take the noose off your neck. You’ve already hung yourself many times and it’s not necessary this lifetime. I love you too much to not tell you that. In fact, I watched you do it once and couldn’t get you down in time, and that set up the whole karmic dynamic of those thirty-five lifetimes.
Love you, K
Throughout these 29 months since Kenny passed, I have mulled over the regrets I had about how stuck my mind said we were many times. Stuck in our “miasm” I called it. In my loneliness I found myself thinking what it could have been like if we had broken out in a different way. What if we came to our senses (our hearts’ desire for oneness really) sooner and we’d had more time to nurture our relationship instead of freeze in it out of fear of losing each other? What if we’d realized there was a way through our addictions that would liberate each of us and bring us closer, bring us to be allies earlier, marching toward the cause of realizing we were already one with each other. All it takes is the willingness to shift one’s gaze, but only last week I learned that that shift can take eons to materialize.
I was deep in one of the last processes in the Consciousness Health and Healing intensive five-day lab last week—it was focused on awakening unto love. Even though the focus was to move upward in the consciousness—to come to a place of unconditional love, I was almost pressed to express these regrets. Then remembering that kneeling in prayer can activate healing, letting go, and humility, I got down on my knees and forgave myself out loud for the judgments I had been placing on myself and Kenny by regretting our “stuckness.” Somehow the kneeling really moved me and what I sensed, after sensing the same awareness many times before but not as deeply or profoundly as on this day, was that Kenny’s and my karma together was complete. I must have heard this from every cell of my body and throughout all systems on all levels because I began to sob in recognition that the pattern was dissolved. I had the uncanny sense that Kenny was right there kneeling with me—there was such a fullness in my heart. It was a complex experience of recognition, sadness, relief, joy and profound gratitude.
The message went on to say that any carrying forward of our relationship is by choice and not driven by past actions. That we are to be of service together through the book and any other way it shows up to help mankind become more aware of the joys and excitement and peace in the dying process. Along with the natural human expression of loss and all the raw and normal emotions I have shared with you. That our karmic path together went back many lifetimes (those thirty-five in fact when we had assisted each other in dying and maybe the hundred more in which we’d played some important role in each other’s lives), and that’s why it took such a dramatic event for us to unlock the pattern and end it once and for all. Of all the ways Kenny could have taken leave of this world or of just me, the way he did it was perfect according to the karma we’d been playing out. How awesome, my newfound freedom in the gift Kenny gave me of his leaving,
To look at the leaving from the highest perspective I can, it was perfectly orchestrated to move us into oneness instantaneously. To help me shift my consciousness from “What about me?” to “What can I do to assist you, my Beloved?” And since we both were doing the best we could at any given moment in our life together here on earth, a surprise ending that wasn’t such a surprise was perfect. We had time to begin to live our relationship as we had always hoped. He had time to forgive his judgments and begin to do good things for himself, and gradually embrace his path with all his heart, mind, and Soul. But not so much time that might have threatened the deep heart-centered healing that we both were experiencing. There was no time for negativity, no time for worrying, no time for irritation or short tempers; only actions in service, words of praise, encouragement and love, moments of oneness, each one more deeply experienced than the last, and finally the moment he left, for the first time I heard myself telling him it was actually OK to leave.
Having a loved one die is meant to be profound. It’s meant to shake us up, to have us review our life and come into acceptance. Come into forgiveness. Come into compassion and empathy. Come into unconditional loving for ourselves, our loved ones, and hopefully everyone and everything else—all circumstances and situations, every creed, race and color. And every moment we come to these cornerstone realizations, we enter into the Kingdom of God. Not that it isn’t always there/here, because it is. Only that we awake unto it. Awake unto Love.
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Through Kenny's Eyes: A Magnificent Journey from Illness to Ecstasy 