FROM LOVING EACH DAY–A DAILY EMAIL FROM MSIA
The blessing is that you are always learning what is important for your growth and fulfillment. That is an eternal blessing by God for you and everyone. Any situation that teaches you what is important and what is not important is a blessing.
John Morton
(From John’s recent book: You Are the Blessings, p. 235)
In June ’09 we went to the appointment with Kenny’s primary care doctor and the grave news was metastatic malignant melanoma with only 3-6 months at most. To make sure it was melanoma, a liver biopsy would need to be taken. But from this point on our individual purposes became one purpose—to do everything we could to halt the onslaught of this dreaded disease.
Money–well that’s a guarded personal matter that always presented us with challenging conversations, promises and ultimatums that never lasted.
But we did believe in our marriage vows, and every time it looked like our differences were insurmountable, one of us would ask (dreading the answer) “Do you want a divorce?” And the other would always answer “No (Whew! What a relief!), but I don’t want things to stay the same.” We did make some progress during those years, very slow, painstaking, sometimes grueling. But we always did abide by our deep love underneath it all. And yes we had our share of little annoyances and judgments and big differences.
But the diagnosis startled us into unconditional loving in the blink of an eye. From that day forward, all petty and big differences were put aside, shelved, disregarded, and mostly forgotten. The most important thing was discovering a therapy that he felt would work for him and embarking on it as soon as possible. As for my part, I would do whatever was necessary to support his decisions and the therapy. I knew my role and I relaxed knowing that I did not need to make decisions for him. It was his body and his treatment and his relationship with God and the Traveler.
What’s important? Loving each other is important and saying so–daily. Do what you know how to do and leave all the rest to God, that’s important. Ask for spiritual assistance. Know that you will receive it. Look into each other’s eyes. Tell each other you’ll be there to hear whatever the other has to say. Trust Spirit to show you the next step on your path. Touch each other consciously putting love into your hands. Tell your loved one what you admire about them and have tolerance for their “other” qualities. During those months of one focus, I often told Kenny he was my hero, my Miracle Man–and indeed every day he demonstrated fearlessness, strength on all levels, humor, open-heartedness, and gratitude. As his illness progressed, he would express more love, more appreciation, more generosity, more good things of the Soul.
Forgiveness, saying I’m sorry for any time I hurt you or was mean to you. Reading to each other from meaningful passages in favorite books. Did I say looking in the same direction? Did I say trust in Spirit? And know that if you do your part, Spirit will match your actions with tangible support that you will recognize and well up with gratitude for.
What’s not important (in other words, what NOT to put energy into)? The petty differences, the old judgments, the mind chatter and worry. The history. Old broken promises. Old anything!
Make a point to learn from your differences. Each of you has gems of knowledge and wisdom. How exciting to look at those differences as a learning opportunity!
I could tell many more stories of how our love prevailed, but the bottom line message is clearly to love, forgive, accept, understand, be grateful on a daily basis. Be with each other as if this were the last day you had together–practice what that would look like because some day it will come. Look in the same direction, one mind, one heart, one focus on spiritual fulfillment and service.
In all his days, Kenny searched for meaningful work, a career he could depend on to last. He contributed to mankind in many helpful ways through the many vocations and interests he chose to explore. The one that lasted the longest and flourished the greatest was his MSIA* ministry. He was always good at sharing his experiences and teaching others all the myriad of things he learned almost daily, and this escalated such that after the diagnosis, he was an open book to anyone who cared to listen. And each day as he neared leaving this planet, he shared more of his joy, more of his love, his gratitude, and his discoveries as a child of God–his ordination blessing was obviously being expressed every day. He knew where he was going and he looked forward to it. I witnessed this steady awakening in awe, in appreciation, and in unconditional loving as much as I knew how.
Being sick and not able to do much for himself, he had many requests of me throughout the days, and I did respond physically almost 24/7. I was tired and worried and spent many hours each day juggling all his needs and at the same time keep my own body strong. If I had it to do over again, the only thing I would do differently is not so much “clicking” as Kenny would put it. Spend less time doing things and more time just being with Kenny, touching him, bathing him, listening to him, and making him comfortable. Oh, I did plenty of all of that, but missing him so much now I want more!
A little aside: Towards his last days, Kenny couldn’t swallow more than a squirt of water at a time, but his mouth was always extremely dry. The nurse brought him some sponges on sticks that were to be soaked in water and used to swab his mouth. He called them lollypops. “Lollypop please.” So I held his head up a bit in the right position so he could swallow the little bit of water that he squeezed out of the sponge with his teeth and swished around in his mouth. He’d say, “I love lollypops. They’re so good. Water, I love water. More, more, more.” And that forever smile would accompany the words. As much as holding his head and reaching for the sponges made my arms and back ache, I loved those moments when such tiny things would give him pleasure.
These last months of our life together are an imbedded experience of what’s important and what’s not. I pray I can carry this experience forward into my life. Right now grief wells up in me daily and I just let it come. My ministry in this moment is to tenderly offer myself the caring and love I so freely gave to Kenny.
What’s important and what’s not…
*Loving Each Day emails like the one I quoted at the beginning of this entry are intended to uplift readers and give them pause to reflect on the Spirit within them. It is a free service of the Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness (MSIA). MSIA is a nondenominational, ecumenical church that teaches that each of us is divine and we can know our own divinity.
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