Archive for November, 2010

Maybe I Should Just Kill Myself

A few months before the cancer diagnosis, we were arguing about what I called unnecessary spending. Me and my “volunteer” salary and Kenny on unemployment. When I couldn’t get through, when I felt unheard, when I resorted to mad, mean, sarcastic retort, I yelled almost red-faced, “Get a job!!! To that he said, “Maybe I should just kill myself.”

I was in shock…utter disbelief, insurmountable shame, that my words could evoke such a powerful response. I still had no clue how much turmoil was boiling under that calm, deliberate, and plodding exterior. But immediately I too felt the impact I meant for him and cried out, “Oh no, Honey, I didn’t mean for you to go there.” I’m so sorry, my darling, my tall, strong, handsome, cute, smart, sexy adorable husband. But still, even though I pulled back my rage, my temper, my “fresh” and stabbing comment for which in my childhood, I would have been smacked in the mouth and punished, I still didn’t get how powerful his cry for help was. How could I have known only two months later, he would be sentenced to death by metastasized melanoma cancer. Little was I aware of how his body had already been ravaged by the disease without us even having one clue. No pain, no bulging tumors, no erupting moles, and yet, there it was, silently killing my husband, the negative power having its way with his precious body, imprisoning his mind and emotions. Even this was hiding, and lurking, and eating him alive.

This moment of taking back my rage opened a place in me that saw, for the first time in a way that I could put words on it, how entwined I was in his family karma. I responded to him a lot like he told me his mother and father and sisters responded to his perceived weaknesses. Of course, he fit perfectly into mine as well. What that looked like is yet to be discovered. The point here is that in my realization, a little, thin trail opened before me and as I stepped out of the forest into the clearing, there I found my compassionate heart, and I began to see what he was reacting to in me–the judgmental, scolding, nothing’s-good-enough wife, mother/father/family all rolled into one.

So instead of blaming him for not having a job, for spending money frivolously, for amassing huge quantities of stuff, I began to have compassion for his story. So while all these years, my ranting and raving had no appreciable effect, this one single nano-second of compassion opened up a whole new world of discovery. My God, it does work to take baby steps. And another of the precious teachings of the Spiritual Heart reveals itself to me. What did I discover?

By now it was only a month or so before the diagnosis, and life as we knew it was about to change unmistakably, irrevocably, and permanently. What’s the lesson here? If you keep on doing the thing that is not working, you’ll get what’s not working. If you change just an iota, a hair’s breath, s blink of an eye, new worlds of opportunity become available. If you remind yourself that unconditional loving is the foundation for a deep and abiding relationship, and by the way, is always there underneath all the fodder of the world, it’s just a matter of shoveling that fodder into a pile where God can transform it into gold. You’d spend much less time, if any fooling around with reactions to negativity that cause it to fester instead of dissolve, and more time in the Heart of God expressing the “good things of the Soul.” Unconditional loving, compassion, understanding, acceptance and a list a mile long of positive responses to life’s beauty and life’s challenges.

I leave you with a heart full of gratitude for all the gifts I am heir to in this unprecedented era of awakening in my life. The greatest portion of the gratitude goes to my sweet and adorable husband who in a pure, selfless act of generosity, gave his life in service to my awakening. I know that’s not all that happened and he didn’t die just for me, and then again, maybe he did. After all, we were told that we assisted each other to pass into the realms of Spirit many lifetimes before. No wonder this was THE most profound experience of my life –a culmination of eons of passings with his dear and precious Soul, and certainly, as John-Roger has prepared us for our final and most important transition of our lives, it was the most profound and beautiful experience of this lifetime for Kenny. I am left in awe and give thanks for it all.

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Through Kenny’s Eyes

Today I find myself lifted into God’s Light as I unveil the first four pages of a manuscript called Through Kenny’s Eyes. It’s taken several weeks of viewing Kenny’s photographs to find the right portrait of him to open the book. What was I looking for among the many photos of him throughout the years? I was told that in Spirit he is his youthful, strong, healthy self and to imagine him that way when I want to touch into his Soul. And I would add, as I often remarked to him, he was my “tall, smart, witty, sexy,” and yes, “strong, and healthy hero.” This portrait was taken in 1979 and conveys not only those attributes but also his friendly, helpful, always smiling, light-hearted nature. Oh yes, he had his dark moments, but that’s not who he is. Who he really is mirrors the attributes of the Soul and uplifts those around him.

See what I mean! I still need to color balance the photo, but I wanted you to see it now in this post where I begin to tell you how I’m learning to refine my ranging into the spiritual realms in order to meet Kenny where he is. The dual outcome will be not only to meet him where he is, but to be more closely in touch with my own Soul. To uncover the joy and all the good things of the Soul. To live them consciously. To be able to share what I’m doing so anyone else can do the same thing.

Before I close this post, I want you to know tha t I just found an unpublished piece that Kenny wrote on Feb 10, 2010, just about 6 weeks before he took his final breath. Here it is, a remarkable observation of where he saw himself physically and how he experienced himself spiritually. My hero indeed.

Kenny: I look at my future now and I see that my physical body is very close to dropping into the Well of the Souls. There are so many signs of deterioration, degeneration and decaying my body that it’s a wonder I’m still walking around. I’m pretty sure that my oncologist has seen melanoma take down so many people that he has formed a picture of what it looks like at each step along the way, and has a head movie of the “Melanoma Melodrama” from start to finish. The finish looks the same whether patients opt for chemotherapy or not. The only differences are:
1. How long it takes to die, and that is measured in one, two, three months, etc.

2. How ugly the dead patient is. More ugly with chemo.

3. The quality of life the patient enjoyed or endured. Chemo patients sometimes unwittingly, and perhaps sometimes, in an effort to avoid pain or increase security, have chosen a path of suffering that actually makes life less attractive than the release from the concentrated body pain currently going on. As one who never opted for any form of chemo, I can say that my quality of life has steeply increased as my disease has steadily progressed. I feel as though I am among the “Living Free”. I have so little standing between me and my awareness of God, that practically all I see is beauty. I take meds to control the pain, and I handle the basic body functions to keep it going, and my consciousness dances free in the Light of God.

Carol: I’ll see you all next time. And if you would, send lots of good energy to the writing of the book that I hope will tell Kenny’s and my story in such a way that it will help many people through what has been designed by God to be the most glorious journey of our lives. God bless you and may you have the most joyful season of giving and of birth and rebirth.

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