Posts tagged MSIA

Poem on the Nature of Loving Down Here and Up There

My dear friends,

I have so much to be grateful for. My by-weekly somatic EMDR sessions with my dear, smart, compassionate, skillful therapist, my Consciousness Health and Healing class at the University of Santa Monica, my spiritual studies over the decades through MSIA, my work at MSIA headquarter, and my own steadfast devotion to know myself as one with God, the brightness coming through from my Soul, and my dear family and friends who have unerringly stood by me not only through these last several momentous years, but throughout my quest for greater Spirit in my life. This poem came through in a USM class while responding to the prompt to access intuition through poetry. While it uses words of the world in describing the levels of consciousness here on earth as “here” and the levels of consciousness of Spirit as “there,” it is only a way to speak about how we experience loving. Really there is no here and there, but there is a continuum of which at any moment we may be aware or not. The secret is in precipitation–the prayer to bring down from Spirit that which can be manifest in this world. The last couple of phrases acknowledge this spiritual law.

Poem on the Nature of Loving Down Here and Up There

I asked for the Angel, Cherish at my back.
To help redirect me when I start to look behind me
When I see no other option but to withhold my loving
When I cannot even feel any loving.

Cherish stands tall pointing forward
Where there are no locked-in memories
Where there is only forgiveness and forgetting
Where I know I am Divine.

When I cannot see you for all the shadows of myself
I put between us
Cherish points up where we are united in the oneness
Where the Light is so bright, there are no shadows.

Down here in the magnetism of the reflected world,
I know not of High Forms or God’s Heart.
I am merely surviving the self-made war
between the you that is in me and the me that succumbed to despising us.

Here is where Cherish reigns, my Angel at the Gate
His arms envelop me in all surrounding embrace
Where indeed my High form and Your High form come into view
And together we all three travel into the Heart of God.

Such is the truth
Of why we are separate here and together there.
My darling Angel would say,
“Bring down from Heaven that which can be manifest in this world.”

And Peace and Love and Forgiveness and Tenderness and Healing
And all the Good things of the Soul shall prevail on Earth.
Baruch Bashan
The Blessings Already Are.


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His Embrace, I’m in the Right Place at the Right Time Doing the Right Thing

John Morton, Spiritual Director of MSIA and holder of the Keys to the Mystical Traveler Consciousness, recently wrote the following and sent it to his “All List.”

A very dear friend brought their deepest grieving to me this first day of the Christ Mass.  Here is what I found to say to them.

 Merry Christ Mass

 Let’s look at the Good News.

Consider that at some point in your existence not so long ago that you invited the Beloved Christ/Traveler to dwell with you and also that you requested to be of service, to serve all, even unconditionally in your loving, caring and gifts of Spirit.  Consider that now you are serving at the fount of grieving, surely your own from wherever it has become created and stored, and then in the Way that is the Light and the Truth, you are clearing and bringing the last of any grieving in the world to His Embrace.  Be Glad.  Be Joyous.  Find the Celebration of Peace to All.

In previous chapters, I wrote about the depth of grief I experienced as Kenny neared his death. It began the very day we were told of his diagnosis and escalated every day until I could hardly bear it. I found myself saying (to myself only), “This pain I’m feeling is bigger than what’s going on.” As profound and shocking as it was to witness the daily loss of a little piece of my husband’s body, what was welling up inside me was bigger than I could fathom. And I also mentioned earlier that in a spiritual reading, Michael Hayes told us we had assisted each other in dying thirty-five lifetimes previous to this one. That seemed to give me some understanding of why my grief was so big.

Today in a spiritual retreat of MSIA staff, as John Morton was sharing with one of the staff here at MSIA headquarters, I was able to reach into the higher realms just a twinkle to glimpse one of the universal truths there. Mind you, it was just a blink, but it was like a Narnia Tale. The secret door was opened into a whole new world of truth and grace. Here’s what I figured out (or saw or heard—remember my clairvoyant gift is in the mental realm so it’s hard for me to distinguish what’s one of my thoughts and what’s a truth). But here goes!

If I can, as John Morton says, bring the last of any grieving in the world to His Embrace, I can also bring the last of any karmic action or habit or addiction or pattern, situation or circumstance to His Embrace from all the eons of my existence. And with the Traveler’s help, I can stack those past experiences such that clearing one clears them all. And I don’t even have to be conscious doing this. I just need to have the intention that it’s possible. But as initiates of the Mystical Traveler I’m not even sure I need that. I just AM!

And finally I understood from my own personal revelation that grace is present. That J-R’s message of heaven here on earth while we are alive in our bodies is indeed possible. That through all the trials and tribulations of our karma, if we maintain the thread of happiness underneath it all, we emerge happy for it all, living in His Embrace!

I wish for all of us to experience His Embrace however fleeting the moment may be. I’ve stacked up a few fleeting moments in my life all adding up to “I’m in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.”

Baruch Bashan—the Blessings Already Are!

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Old Love Letters and Leather Tools

Kenny and I lived in a really big house with a lot of other people at Peace Awareness Labyrinth and Gardens (and MSIA headquarters), and I still live there. Underneath the first floor is a crawl space almost tall enough for a short person like me to stand upright. Our stored stuff takes up the floor space of about a 12’x12′ room. Mostly it’s Kenny’s someday maybe projects, tools, equipment, and memorabilia from past experiences and relationships, craftsman supplies, and many different types of disaster preparedness paraphernalia. Among the boxes of papers I found love letters, goodbye letters and letters from his family, which I poured over until 1 am in the morning. Notably many were from his mother recounting her own bout with cancer and cancer treatment. And also notably all were from the years 1989 through 1995. These years correspond to his sojourn in Hawaii, beloved Kauai to be exact. Photographs too–a glimpse of my husband in his younger years before we met. After reminiscing over his previous accounts of living through Hurricane Iniki (which by the way, was harrowing) and reading all this mail, I found myself so sad for his many years of Soul searching and break-ups and the deaths of a younger sister many years ago and both his parents within the last 14 years. And the last 9 months of his life and all the choices we made to try to help, and how the melanoma, first lurking in the background, made itself more intrusive month by month, then week by week and finally each day it was as he put it, “taking me out.”

There’s only so much of pouring over and deciding over each little and big thing he left behind that I can do before I get emotional again. It’s all OK, crying is OK, remembering is OK, and picturing is OK, except for the imagination going haywire on negative images. Then I have to call a halt, call in the Light and do something different to switch the energy. I’m about one-fourth of the way through it all, having labeled some boxes already, “eBay,” some “Yard Sale,” “Resale Store,” and “Throw Away.” We’re not mentioning the little things I’m keeping like the beautiful bow he carved out of Osage Orange wood, and the shell necklace from our 10th Anniversary Kauai vacation. Before the yard sale opens to the public, I will call his Tom Brown tracker friends to come preview and pick out what they want. I know he would really love that.

Still hovering over hospital bills and doctor bills, waiting for insurance to play their hand, and still clearing his IPhone in order to give it away. Do you know how many thousands of details make up a life? I don’t either, but it’s been nearly 6 weeks since he passed and I’ve only touched a small fraction of his belongings. It’s not so much the work involved. It’s more the emotions involved. The way some things bring up memories of the hard times when we didn’t see eye-to-eye. When our differences and our hard-shelled camps separated us. When I withheld love because I was so angry. When I couldn’t help but fall into his family patterns of “disapproving” of his actions. When with great relief I could admit that to myself and to him, it began to change and I began to have more compassion for his roots and the patterns that resulted. When I could climb out of myself to put myself in his shoes. I had small experiences of these awarenesses as our relationship matured, but it wasn’t until the diagnosis that I fully surrendered to the fulfillment of my ministry to my husband. The surrender indeed was sweet, and it got sweeter throughout the months of caring for him, but the lesson was hard-won, my friends. Don’t wait until one of you has a terminal condition to put yourself in each other’s shoes. Miracles of unconditional love await you. The timing gets perfect. The circumstances start looking like the best they can be given the situation. The Spirit becomes palpable and the prayer is ongoing, 24/7. As if it were the last prayer you’ll ever utter. Spirit responds to sincerity and genuine asking. Seek Spirit and honor it in each other as John-Roger says, like you would seek your next breath. We had nine months together once we surrendered to the loving, and it was all too short. I’d have given him some of my years if I could.

This comes out of deep loving for the process that unfolded in my life and deepest gratitude to my Kenny for his sacrifice in my journey back to the heart of God. God bless us all.

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Tall, Smart, Sexy, Handsome, and Brave

The blessing is that you are always learning what is important for your growth and fulfillment. That is an eternal blessing by God for you and everyone. Any situation that teaches you what is important and what is not important is a blessing.
John Morton
(From John’s recent book: You Are the Blessings, p. 235)

In June ’09 we went to the appointment with Kenny’s primary care doctor and the grave news was metastatic malignant melanoma with only 3-6 months at most. To make sure it was melanoma, a liver biopsy would need to be taken. But from this point on our individual purposes became one purpose—to do everything we could to halt the onslaught of this dreaded disease.

We had many differences in our relationship, our marriage. We placed different values on money and possessions. He loved to challenge the outdoors by camping out in bitter cold weather without a tent and without a down sleeping bag. I like 72 degrees best with cool breezes, not too hot please and certainly not too cold! He loved his many possessions, things we might need if we move out on our own, things we would certainly need if the economy collapses, fun things we would use in the wilderness, weapons for when and if riots erupted. Rocks, he loved rocks. Rope and cording, grasses to make rope from, slabs of stone. An entire room-full of boxes stored under the house, under the dresser, under the bed, behind the desk, in the closets. I’m still finding surprises. I barely tolerated what seemed like pretty radical thinking, especially when it resulted in buying more things, but as I think about it now, these times he was preparing for may still befall us.
He loved western movies and T-V shows, and during his treatment, watched episode after episode of Steve McQueen’s T-V series, “Wanted Dead or Alive.” I didn’t have a love of any movie genre, but please not another western! Though near the end I learned to appreciate why he loved Appaloosa so much and gladly watched it with him several times—he saw it thirteen times!
He virtually hated T-V commercials and muted the sound for every single one of them when he held the remote. If I held the remote, I’d go unconscious and not think twice about how loud or inane it was. Little stuff like that!

Money–well that’s a guarded personal matter that always presented us with challenging conversations, promises and ultimatums that never lasted.

But we did believe in our marriage vows, and every time it looked like our differences were insurmountable, one of us would ask (dreading the answer) “Do you want a divorce?” And the other would always answer “No (Whew! What a relief!), but I don’t want things to stay the same.” We did make some progress during those years, very slow, painstaking, sometimes grueling. But we always did abide by our deep love underneath it all. And yes we had our share of little annoyances and judgments and big differences.

But the diagnosis startled us into unconditional loving in the blink of an eye. From that day forward, all petty and big differences were put aside, shelved, disregarded, and mostly forgotten. The most important thing was discovering a therapy that he felt would work for him and embarking on it as soon as possible. As for my part, I would do whatever was necessary to support his decisions and the therapy. I knew my role and I relaxed knowing that I did not need to make decisions for him. It was his body and his treatment and his relationship with God and the Traveler.

What’s important? Loving each other is important and saying so–daily. Do what you know how to do and leave all the rest to God, that’s important. Ask for spiritual assistance. Know that you will receive it. Look into each other’s eyes. Tell each other you’ll be there to hear whatever the other has to say. Trust Spirit to show you the next step on your path. Touch each other consciously putting love into your hands. Tell your loved one what you admire about them and have tolerance for their “other” qualities. During those months of one focus, I often told Kenny he was my hero, my Miracle Man–and indeed every day he demonstrated fearlessness, strength on all levels, humor, open-heartedness, and gratitude. As his illness progressed, he would express more love, more appreciation, more generosity, more good things of the Soul.

Forgiveness, saying I’m sorry for any time I hurt you or was mean to you. Reading to each other from meaningful passages in favorite books. Did I say looking in the same direction? Did I say trust in Spirit? And know that if you do your part, Spirit will match your actions with tangible support that you will recognize and well up with gratitude for.

What’s not important (in other words, what NOT to put energy into)? The petty differences, the old judgments, the mind chatter and worry. The history. Old broken promises. Old anything!

Make a point to learn from your differences. Each of you has gems of knowledge and wisdom. How exciting to look at those differences as a learning opportunity!

I could tell many more stories of how our love prevailed, but the bottom line message is clearly to love, forgive, accept, understand, be grateful on a daily basis. Be with each other as if this were the last day you had together–practice what that would look like because some day it will come. Look in the same direction, one mind, one heart, one focus on spiritual fulfillment and service.

In all his days, Kenny searched for meaningful work, a career he could depend on to last. He contributed to mankind in many helpful ways through the many vocations and interests he chose to explore. The one that lasted the longest and flourished the greatest was his MSIA* ministry. He was always good at sharing his experiences and teaching others all the myriad of things he learned almost daily, and this escalated such that after the diagnosis, he was an open book to anyone who cared to listen. And each day as he neared leaving this planet, he shared more of his joy, more of his love, his gratitude, and his discoveries as a child of God–his ordination blessing was obviously being expressed every day. He knew where he was going and he looked forward to it. I witnessed this steady awakening in awe, in appreciation, and in unconditional loving as much as I knew how.

Being sick and not able to do much for himself, he had many requests of me throughout the days, and I did respond physically almost 24/7. I was tired and worried and spent many hours each day juggling all his needs and at the same time keep my own body strong. If I had it to do over again, the only thing I would do differently is not so much “clicking” as Kenny would put it. Spend less time doing things and more time just being with Kenny, touching him, bathing him, listening to him, and making him comfortable. Oh, I did plenty of all of that, but missing him so much now I want more!

A little aside: Towards his last days, Kenny couldn’t swallow more than a squirt of water at a time, but his mouth was always extremely dry. The nurse brought him some sponges on sticks that were to be soaked in water and used to swab his mouth. He called them lollypops. “Lollypop please.” So I held his head up a bit in the right position so he could swallow the little bit of water that he squeezed out of the sponge with his teeth and swished around in his mouth. He’d say, “I love lollypops. They’re so good. Water, I love water. More, more, more.” And that forever smile would accompany the words. As much as holding his head and reaching for the sponges made my arms and back ache, I loved those moments when such tiny things would give him pleasure.

These last months of our life together are an imbedded experience of what’s important and what’s not. I pray I can carry this experience forward into my life. Right now grief wells up in me daily and I just let it come. My ministry in this moment is to tenderly offer myself the caring and love I so freely gave to Kenny.

What’s important and what’s not…

*Loving Each Day emails like the one I quoted at the beginning of this entry are intended to uplift readers and give them pause to reflect on the Spirit within them. It is a free service of the Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness (MSIA). MSIA is a nondenominational, ecumenical church that teaches that each of us is divine and we can know our own divinity.

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