On Contacting Kenny’s Soul

Kenny in his 30's & how he might look now in Spirit

My dear loyal readers,
I ask that you give me your honest thoughts about this article. I intend for it to go into the book, and if there’s anything I can add or subtract regarding its authenticity and disclosure, please respond.

PART OF THE FORWARD

I prayed a lot that Kenny would come to me with messages of wisdom, compassion, loving, and comforting. There were months when my grief was so heavy on my heart and my awareness, that all I could do was recount the pain of my experiences.

Then about seven months after Kenny passed, for the first time since he passed, I put my hand to paper with the intention of contacting Kenny’s Soul. Here’s what he said: 

On October 11, 2010, six months and 12 days after he ascended, Ken told me:
“I’m with you more deeply now than ever before.
I have let go of everything in the way.
Come to me that way and uncover your own depth of loving.
 Let go……” 

I had been encouraged by my dear friend, Saivahni, who believed in my skill as a “mental clairvoyant.” What’s that, I asked. It’s when intuition comes through the mental level of consciousness. The challenge—what is a message from the high realms? And what’s just one of my thoughts?

This prayer by John-Roger, found in the Spiritual Exercises CD Packet, Disc 2, Excerpt 17, has stayed with me through many years of study:
As we reach up to our high form, we ask to be surrounded with the Light of the Christ. We ask for fulfillment and protection and only that only which is the highest good of all concerned be brought forward.  And we ask for this, Father, with love and understanding. So be it.

What struck me so deeply was the notion of reaching up and contemplating the magnificence of my High Form. With my innate visual focus, I could see myself reaching. I could see my High Form. I could see my High Form surrounded by the Light of the Christ. I could fill myself with the truth that if I ask, the Christ will fill not only me but any gap in experience or information I may need to fulfill my destiny. If I reach up, the Christ will meet me at the point of my action. How amazing is that! Imagine being met by the Christed Light and watching it complete your work, the work you contracted to do and learn, the work that you agreed to give unto the world. You’ll see later in this book when this Christ Action was so very important to Kenny’s and my very existence as we skated over thin ice during those more than memorable days of treatment in Houston.

And today, as I reach up to my High Form where all high forms are one, under the protection of the Light of the Christ, I ask to be a clear channel for messages from Kenny’s Soul. More than these words, I have a powerful reference from all the years of the teachings of the Mystical Traveler, that where my high form resides really is a realm of God consciousness, all knowing, peace and infinite love, where God has a place and a space for everyone and everything. Where all information, eons of history, and the wisdom schools and the ancient teachings exist, waiting for us to open our consciousness to receive of their glory.

Doubt creeps in from time to time as to my real abilities, but then I read back over the messages from Kenny, and I know they did not come from my mind or my own creativity. I am convinced they came from that place way high in my consciousness where I am one with all there is. And all there is includes the Christ, the Mystical Traveler, God, my High Self, your High Self, all the Masters of Light that work with us, and so many more conscious beings including Kenny’s Soul.

So while we could argue about just who’s speaking through these messages, I am declaring they  have value in their words of wisdom, unconditional loving, compassion, joy, and so much more of the Soul’s influence on us mortal beings here on Earth.

So my message to you, whether or not you believe there is such a thing as communication with our higher levels of consciousness, or with those Souls who have dropped their bodies and gone on to higher realms of existence, I invite you to take from these messages the learnings and the healing that are available by applying the information to your own life. Remember Kenny said there is a blessing for each reader on every page. And if you must dismiss the messages as frivolous ramblings of a grieving widow, that’s fine with me. Wherever you think they came from, know they have moved my consciousness through my memories, my experiences, and my learnings with grace and the unshakable inner knowing that I am in the right place at the right time doing the right thing. If I learn nothing else from the experiences recounted in this book, I have learned and continue to learn one of the challenging secrets of Soul Transcendence, that the only place to be is right here, right now! All things are possible here and now. Nothing can be changed about the past, and both wishing we could change the past and ranging out to the future keep us from experiencing Spirit right here and now, where all healing of memories exists, where all evolvement lies in wait. I don’t always remember to be in this truth, but I’m still a work in progress.

Please comment below or write directly to me at carol.jones43@yahoo.com.

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Sacred Crossings: The Night Kenny Left his Body for the Last Time

In earlier chapters, I described what I dared put to paper about the night Kenny died. Today, 20-some months later, a bit of training as a hospice volunteer, and having witnessed the death of another loved one in my life, I can brave more recall, more important parts that may be valuable to you as the reader, that are certainly more available to my creative hand.

I didn’t know then that I could give him some comfort by closing his eyes during those last few hours of labored breathing when he couldn’t communicate. I didn’t realize I could continue to moisten his mouth. The hospice nurse left in kind of a hurry with no such instructions for me. I didn’t know they would leave us at such an auspicious moment.

So when Kenny took his final breath, his eyes were wide open as well as his mouth. I tried to close his eyes, but they flipped back open twice. Those incredible deep blue eyes that I so often sank into for love and comfort. That I so often admired and could see into his vulnerability, his true loving and his powerful oneness with God.

While I could cover his body and arms with the sheet, I couldn’t cover his face and I also couldn’t look at it after my attempt to close his eyes. It was too haunting to me—At that time I’d rather have remembered his eyes when they inhabited his Soul, his life here on earth.

So his body lay there while some friends gathered with me in the room. We called the mortuary, because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. They were to come in a few hours. In the meantime, we told stories, laughed and cried and waited. And everyone present, of course, took my lead and didn’t look at Kenny’s body either.

Aside from those haunting memories, I do remember something really important:

Soon John-Roger had his aide, Zeus call to ask where “the body was being taken.” I told him which mortuary and that was the end of the conversation.

Just a few days ago, Kevin and I were looking at photographs of Kenny as a young man and I found myself recounting that phone call. In a burst of recognition, as Kevin held my hand and stayed with me in his empathy and love, I went from laughing at the photo of Kenny doing some funny antic, to tears of understanding and gratitude. I realized once again how blessed we are to be under the protection of the Mystical Traveler Consciousness, that part of us that guides our way back to the Heart of God. For I knew that John-Roger’s call was about checking in on Ken’s body to see if his Soul was on its way to the proper dimension in Spirit—to help it along if needed. So many times in years gone by when J-R was counseling MSIA students in the presence of many of us, and the subject of a loved one having already passed over came up, I would hear J-R say, “I’ve got him (or her). He’s OK. He’s where he should be.” And as I listened, I would well up with tears of gratitude, and I sensed so many others witnessing the counseling, did the same. Thank God the Traveler chose us. Thank God we chose back. Thank God our loved ones, even if they are not actively studying in MSIA, just by being connected to us devotees, are protected as ones of his own.

Back to what I didn’t know, but know better now: I could have closed his eyes so they would stay moist and more comfortable. And after he passed, if they were open again, I could have laid a clean cloth over them to help them stay closed. And I could have rolled a towel under his chin to help his mouth stay closed. I could have done a lot of things to honor his body, the Temple of his Soul, for as long as three days if I wanted to (legally). I didn’t know this. I actually kept a lot of information away from myself because I didn’t want to face his dying. For as long as he was alive, even as he got weaker and weaker, day by day, in my mind he was not dying. He would not be dying until he actually took his last breath. So I didn’t ask, I didn’t read much, and what I did read I forgot immediately. The only bit of compassionate education from the particular hospice agency we were assigned came from the doctor who one night only a few days before Kenny passed, told me I could stop counting liquids in and liquids out. That I should just focus on being with Kenny. Thankfully there was that much.

Only later when I was with my cousins supporting them as Cousin Nicky was passing, did I begin to get some education that mattered from the Hospice agency assigned to them. They instructed on meds, on bathing and changing, on when it was time to say our last goodbyes and so much more. Their loving, compassionate manner made all the difference. Their loving, compassionate manner gave me a measure of what was missing from the agency assigned to Kenny and me. Thankfully we had our MSIA ministers, our Circle of Light, our incredibly service-minded housemates. We were blessed beyond measure. Remember my talking about Circle of Light minister, Diana? She recounted her experience with us as “standing in for God.” And that’s how I experienced my presence at Nicky’s side.

I am blessed to be in a position to help others, having experienced the death of my husband in such a complex way. And to have the gift of awareness that allows me to grow from the experience, to awaken the parts of me that were afraid and unwilling to see. In tenderness for the lost part of me that I am gradually finding and surrounding with love, compassion, and forgiveness.

So now in my memories, whenever I may picture those last hours of Kenny’s life, I also remember the long moment just days before he passed, when he took my face in his hands, and held his gaze on my eyes in silent communion for a very long time. The world stood waiting outside our little bubble—it could have waited forever as I soaked in the loving we shared. It shall always remain a Divine Soul-to-Soul moment when time stood still, when nothing else mattered, when his death was imminent but yet so far away.

Bringing compassionate awareness to end of life issues is one of my passions now. Thus this blog and thus the compilation of the book. Wish me well! And I send my love to all of you who over the months have devotedly supported my efforts to bring myself into a greater Light focus around death and to bring this subject, however raw the accounts, to the Light of Spirit.

P.S. Today I attended a volunteer meeting of Hospice Partners of Southern California. A woman named Olivia did a presentation on “Sacred Crossings.” She calls herself a Death Midwife and helps families create a sacred experience for themselves of caring for a loved one’s body after death. I don’t necessarily advocate her business or her methods, but the subject is certainly worth exploring ahead of time so families can make educated decisions about the disposition of their loved ones’ remains.

Please do “like” this article, make a comment, share your experiences, however you are moved to do so. Or write to me directly at carol.jones43@yahoo.com. Baruch Bashan. The blessings already are!

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Kenny’s Run, More Passings, and the Beat Goes On

Tonight after I drove home from visiting my cousins in Victorville, there was a knock at my door. When I opened it, there stood Andree and Peter brandishing big heartfelt smiles and their Redondo Beach Super Bowl Kenny’s Run 2012 badges. This was their third run in Kenny’s honor, the first one being the day before we boarded Continental to Houston for that heart-stopping, telltale month of the melanoma march in February 2010.

How dear of them to honor and pray for Kenny and me. How integral they were in his care during those nine months of trying to halt that never-to-be-forgotten relentless invasion. I speculated that Kenny must have been with them on the run. He always loved training his body through sports and watching others doing their best and perhaps outrunning their last race.

And how perfect to receive of their love in this very tender way after I had been with Annabelle, whose husband of 60 years had died on December 26 of multiple myloma, a nearly always incurable form of cancer. My purpose in being there was to support my cousins, Anna and her daughter Teresa, in whatever way I could—listening, sharing my own experience, making suggestions, looking at pictures and reading articles about Nicky. To everyone else he was Nick. To me, I couldn’t call him anything else but Nicky, ever since as a child I wrote to him when he went off to the Korean War. “Dear Nicky, I miss you and I love you. Come home quick, OK?”

Teresa called me some days before Christmas to tell me her father (“Daddiola,” she called him) was bad, not expected to last much longer. Did they want me to come out, I asked. Oh yes, please can you? The next day I drove out to find them at the hospital with Nicky incoherent and in a lot of pain. They were about to send him home on hospice care. So we all trudged home where a hospice agency met us with a hospital bed and other such equipment. Nicky was worse by the minute, writhing and moaning in pain. The hospice nurse exclaimed that they were ill-equipped to manage his pain so she recommended we put him back in the hospital. This time a different one where he might receive better care. There they cleaned him up and administered some pain medication and kept him overnight until another hospice agency was arranged. This time, it was the Visiting Nurses Association.

This agency really knew what they were doing. By this time in my limited experience, I had now witnessed the workings of as many as four different hospice agencies, and I could tell the quality of care provided by VNA was outstanding. The managing nurse quieted Annabelle’s and Teresa’s fears about giving medication, she assessed the situation and Nick’s condition, and soon after a crisis nurse arrived to manage Nick’s pain levels, which were making him so uncomfortable. By this time he had not eaten in days and was not drinking, so we knew it wouldn’t be long before he took his last breath. I quickly understood my place in this family experience—I was to support them emotionally, to assist them physically as they requested, and to call upon the MSIA ministerial body worldwide to stand by spiritually to help anyone present to release anything no longer needed and to assist in ushering dear Nicky into whatever realm of Spirit was his next “grand adventure,” as Kenny coined it. So when Anna couldn’t watch and had to retreat, I held her in my arms. When courageous Teresa had to administer medications, I stood by assuring her she was doing the right thing. When everyone else was asleep, I sat by Nicky’s bed silently chanting and sending him Light and assuring him we were all there loving him and praying his journey now would be as gentle as possible.

On the morning of December 26, at about 9:30am, I had just freshened his mouth when David, Teresa’s son, noticed he had stopped breathing. That was it, his Soul had ascended, no longer inhabiting his body. The man that was their husband, father, and grandfather and my cousin was gone from this world. Today it’s only been about six weeks since Nicky passed. Anna is still very tender and going through the gamut of feelings one experiences when a spouse passes. Each one goes through grief over the loss of a loved one, their husband, their dad, their Papa, or father-in-law in their own very personal way. And in all that I witnessed, I recalled my experiences with Kenny, grateful for his extraordinary exampleship in leaving this world with dignity, grace, great love, and peace.

I was also reminded that not all hospice agencies are alike. And it’s worth shopping around while all principals are still coherent and able to assess the differences. The VNA team was competent, loving, compassionate, responsive, and seemed to love their work. We couldn’t ask for more. These are the hallmarks of the kind of people I would want around me when it’s my time to go. There’s much more to tell about my learnings and awarenesses between then (Kenny’s passing in March 2010) and now, but that’s still to come.

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His Embrace, I’m in the Right Place at the Right Time Doing the Right Thing

John Morton, Spiritual Director of MSIA and holder of the Keys to the Mystical Traveler Consciousness, recently wrote the following and sent it to his “All List.”

A very dear friend brought their deepest grieving to me this first day of the Christ Mass.  Here is what I found to say to them.

 Merry Christ Mass

 Let’s look at the Good News.

Consider that at some point in your existence not so long ago that you invited the Beloved Christ/Traveler to dwell with you and also that you requested to be of service, to serve all, even unconditionally in your loving, caring and gifts of Spirit.  Consider that now you are serving at the fount of grieving, surely your own from wherever it has become created and stored, and then in the Way that is the Light and the Truth, you are clearing and bringing the last of any grieving in the world to His Embrace.  Be Glad.  Be Joyous.  Find the Celebration of Peace to All.

In previous chapters, I wrote about the depth of grief I experienced as Kenny neared his death. It began the very day we were told of his diagnosis and escalated every day until I could hardly bear it. I found myself saying (to myself only), “This pain I’m feeling is bigger than what’s going on.” As profound and shocking as it was to witness the daily loss of a little piece of my husband’s body, what was welling up inside me was bigger than I could fathom. And I also mentioned earlier that in a spiritual reading, Michael Hayes told us we had assisted each other in dying thirty-five lifetimes previous to this one. That seemed to give me some understanding of why my grief was so big.

Today in a spiritual retreat of MSIA staff, as John Morton was sharing with one of the staff here at MSIA headquarters, I was able to reach into the higher realms just a twinkle to glimpse one of the universal truths there. Mind you, it was just a blink, but it was like a Narnia Tale. The secret door was opened into a whole new world of truth and grace. Here’s what I figured out (or saw or heard—remember my clairvoyant gift is in the mental realm so it’s hard for me to distinguish what’s one of my thoughts and what’s a truth). But here goes!

If I can, as John Morton says, bring the last of any grieving in the world to His Embrace, I can also bring the last of any karmic action or habit or addiction or pattern, situation or circumstance to His Embrace from all the eons of my existence. And with the Traveler’s help, I can stack those past experiences such that clearing one clears them all. And I don’t even have to be conscious doing this. I just need to have the intention that it’s possible. But as initiates of the Mystical Traveler I’m not even sure I need that. I just AM!

And finally I understood from my own personal revelation that grace is present. That J-R’s message of heaven here on earth while we are alive in our bodies is indeed possible. That through all the trials and tribulations of our karma, if we maintain the thread of happiness underneath it all, we emerge happy for it all, living in His Embrace!

I wish for all of us to experience His Embrace however fleeting the moment may be. I’ve stacked up a few fleeting moments in my life all adding up to “I’m in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.”

Baruch Bashan—the Blessings Already Are!

I invite you to comment on this post in the comment field or by emailing me directly at carol.jones43@yahoo.com

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2011 in review

Dear Readers,
I haven’t posted lately because I’ve been busy editing prior posts and your comments in preparation for sending the manuscript to my editor for her first serious, contracted take on how it will shape up into a book. There are 47 posts and uncounted comments from you, my dear friends, in support of the writing and my personal process and Kenny’s Soul. Below is a report that WordPress produced just for your fun look-see and your Light. Before you read that, I am including the Preface that Kenny dictated through my hand just recently. It’s quite profound and gives us an idea of how the Soul looks at the human experience. Here goes:

The purpose of this book from my point of view is Divine Intervention. We are all divine and until the moment of our death, we doubt that Divinity. From the plane on which I’m now living and looking, the human being is a direct emanation from Soul, from the God Source, therefore Divine in every cell, every breath, even every thought, if one is willing to observe the root of the thought. The root of all thoughts, whether toxic or benevolent, is contained, surrounded, and embedded with Living Love.

 In this book, the reader will find a personal blessing on every page, whether it is describing a perceived negative occurrence or a revelation of the Divine. The Lord God of the Universe oversees all levels of creation and loves them all. It is only believing our mind that leads us astray. My darling wife has given of her very nature in the outpourings on these pages. Read with an open mind and awareness of how your spiritual heart is responding. Therein lay the opportunity to make choices in alignment with your highest good. And so it will at once touch your loved ones whether they are aware of it or not. For every organism is connected to every other organism in the universe, and each one is contained within the whole—the Holy Spirit, the One God of the Universe.

 By the way, I am as we say on earth, “in blissful heaven.” I am working hard, resting well, and contributing so much more than I could in my human body. And in case you’re wondering, I spend time with Carol on a regular basis, mostly while she is sleeping. If you would like me to, I will be glad to make myself known to you also. Just ask inwardly for my presence (for the highest good of course—there is no imposition meant here).

 I always remain a devoted student of the Holy Spirit, Carol’s loving husband in Spirit, and your friend,
Ken Jones

And here’s a quote from Kenny while he was still with us that spells out very clearly the message of this book. He was, and still remains, quite the writer:

 “I do not know what Spirit has in store for me. I will keep breathing as long as Spirit gives me breath. And if melanoma absolutely must claim my body, it can have it. Melanoma cannot go where I go, because I go into the pure Spirit of the Soul Realm that is my true home.”

Ken Jones
December, 2009

Loving you all and so appreciating your ongoing support and Light. It’s immeasurable.
Carol

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 10,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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ASSUMING THE CONTRACT WAS SEALED IN A SPIRITUAL PROMISE

Assuming Kenny and I agreed to work out our life lessons as husband and wife before we incarnated this lifetime—and I do. Assume his two previous marriages and my two previous marriages fulfilled the exact parts of these life lessons in the perfect way they were supposed to—and I do. Assume we promised each other we would “go into the heart of God together,” and we did. Promise that is. Go into the Heart of God together?  That’s what this writing is all about.

I’ve talked about the deepest love either of has ever known from a mate—the underlying glue that held us together on the highest levels. I’ve also talked about the miasm* we were enmeshed in, the karmic flow or in more descriptive terms, the energetic tableau.  But I’m getting a deeper glimpse these last few days. Knowing we always do the best we can with who we are and what resources we have at the time, this is not about looking back with blame or regret. This is about looking into the consciousness for a deeper cut—a view from the unconditional love of the Soul—a place of forgiveness and compassion.

With that said, I invite you to embrace the rest of this story from the same place.

Early in the marriage there were signs of “sandpapering,” a kind term for conflict. Differences in how we functioned in the world as individuals. Some minor differences we were able to work with, but the essential, deep-seated, maybe even ancient patterns that one would consider weaknesses or character defects or more accurately blocks to spiritual awareness, were set in reactivity to each other. It was a perfect match. He was allowed to continue his unconscious avoidance of relating to me as his partner in such a way that allowed my unconscious avoidance to blind me to that which would unveil my next steps in my own spiritual growth. Oh we worked on “issues,” we came to some agreements, we at least rose above the “you must-squeeze-the-toothpaste-tube-the-way-I-want-you-to” kinds of sandpapering.

But for those many years, fifteen to be exact, in secret he went his way and I avoided mine. I was so busy “handling” his much more obvious challenges, I couldn’t see mine. Oh I’d have glimpses (which probably scared the pants off me) and then I’d brush them aside. Sometimes I’d be completely resigned that our life together on these levels would never change, and I’d better just be happy with what we did have, not realizing, not having a clue that if I would just change one thing about me, that would affect us dramatically.

So fear ran my relationship with Kenny—if I came to my senses I would have to leave. Or surely he would leave me. Rather than risk that kind of change, I remained mired in my own participation in the miasm we had slipped into so silently.

Remember all this is seated in the traumatized nervous system.* There was no escape. Patterns were set in frozen nerve pathways. Reactions were predictable and limited to those resulting in fighting or fleeing.  As a result there were many opportunities in those glimpses to precipitate change that were ignored.  Because the gentler approach was not recognized or heeded many times over, God now set about preparing us for the most impactful experience of our lives. And this, from my view, was the purpose for the diagnosis of incurable, highly advanced, inoperable melanoma cancer—a three-to-six-month death sentence. If we, as a committed unit didn’t get it now, there would not be another chance.

In a flash, we were hurtled into action, as I’ve said before. Apologies for past indiscretions and hurts flew back and forth. We came into the oneness of Spirit, of seeing the path we were to take clearly and unmistakably. You could say the fear of death awakened us into positive action, leaving behind everything no longer in alignment with the goal—Kenny getting well again and loving ourselves and each other so completely that nothing else mattered. It was a beautiful experience of clarity of purpose. I’ve written about this so many times within this blog. Have a look.

What strikes me now is that God so loved us, his children that he made us in Jesus’ likeness, that he would even snuff out the physical life of one of us in order to have us learn what we agreed to embrace before incarnating into these bodies. And here I sit, in complete and utter awe that this consciousness, this nervous system, held the old pattern of gripping so tightly that my darling husband would have to die, not just take a break, or leave my side, but forever die to this world for the last time in order for us both to take our next steps in realizing who we are. He would take those steps in the next world. I am left to take them here.

And I’m guessing he would say the same thing. “My consciousness, my nervous system, held on so dearly to my patterns, I would have to leave this world to meld with the Divine.” And the process of leaving, from my vantage point, was what set him apart from all past actions, all patterns, all miasms. In a blaze of glory, he left this world knowing who he was, who God is, and where he was going. We could not, in our wildest dreams, ask for a more graceful and tender goodbye.

Tears well up as I now look upon this story, this era of my life, with the compassion and loving that bring forth understanding and peace. The Spiritual Promise was fulfilled and in our heart of hearts, we knew it would be. I stood by him as he ascended into the Heart of God, and I know he will be one of those ushering me on the same path when it’s my time to go. It is with profound gratitude to my Kenny for sacrificing his life so that I may grow closer to God and closer to knowing I am one with God, closer to realizing my Self that I write this and share it with you.

God bless us all.

I invite you to comment either by clicking on the box below or emailing me directly at carol.jones43@yahoo.com. Feel free to share this blog with anyone.


* From the Greek miasma |mīˈazmə; mē-|

noun ( pl. -mas or -mata |-mətə|) poetic/literary

• figurative an oppressive or unpleasant atmosphere that surrounds or emanates from something : a miasma of despair rose from the black workshops.*

* See previous blog posts for more information on Somatic Therapy and the nervous system.

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Have I Ever Said I’m Sorry to Myself?

I haven’t made an entry in several months. Have been deeply experiencing the changes in my consciousness due to a strengthened nervous system. Have watched myself respond differently to stress, differently to the unexpected, differently to what before might have caused me to react negatively. Yet I haven’t known what to write. Remember I am still reeling from the effects of my Kenny’s illness and death. A whole new era of my life has opened up, for which he prepared me, outfitted me to the hilt by allowing me to learn unconditional love and unconditional service, selfless service for the last nine months of his life. This constant positive input culminating with his conscious death and glorious ascension into the heart of God, was like shooting me out of a cannon–a wildly targeted blast to my consciousness.

While I miss him still, even after all these months, I can only move forward, processing the new awarenesses, the new behaviors, the new thoughts and emotions, the greater capacity to love and forgive. In my marriage I didn’t have the courage to face my own demons, so I spent inordinate energy, time, frustration, and upset, trying to fix Kenny’s demons. They at least had names. Mine were so hidden I couldn’t name them let alone define them and work with them. Now don’t you find that pretty stupid? Haven’t you heard it said so many times over your lifetime that you cannot change anyone else? Well I have too. Honestly! Many times! But being locked into a deeply embedded channel of reactivity, scarred by multiple traumas to my nerve pathways throughout at least this lifetime, provided the blinders that matched Kenny’s blinders perfectly. Isn’t karma wonderful! Well OK, hindsight is 20-20 vision, right? I’m not saying all this to berate myself, more I am in awe of how karma works. How locked in we can get when we don’t want to see. We don’t want to move. We don’t want to risk change or even just look at the truth.

My Somatic therapist asked me during one of my sessions if I had compassion for myself. I had to think and then I said I had spent a lot of time regretting my actions or non-actions, or wishing I had more consciousness to do things differently. That compassion came only painstakingly and only rarely. In my Doctor of Spiritual Science class my partner asked me if I’ve ever told myself I’m sorry for past actions and judgments. I had to say no, I hadn’t.

I had been taught about self-forgiveness in my spiritual practices—to forgive myself for judging myself, not for past actions since what good would it do to judge an action that had already taken place, but for the judgment I placed on myself which still sits in here buffering me against my will. But I never thought to tell myself I’m sorry for these actions. So, my friends, this entry was about caring enough for myself to apologize for the less than highest good actions that I either planned myself or promoted by virtue of abdication of my responsibility to myself. And the ones I incurred because of ignorance or not taking myself and my conditions seriously enough or out of plain unawareness if that’s a word—it’s an important one in my book of metaphors.

So broadcasting this across all systems on all levels of consciousness including my physical body, I’m telling every cell of my being all about the love and compassion I am now experiencing for myself and for others. The reptilian mind is being soothed. It can distinguish much more clearly between actual danger and perceived danger and it acts more according to the current situation instead of being locked into “fight or flight.”

My somatic practices make space in my consciousness every day for deep breaths, for anchoring in the new behaviors, for being OK with any feelings or thoughts that may be disturbing, all because I have the tools now to move me from disturbance to okay-ness. And at times I can even move from okay-ness to joy. They call it being resilient. Isn’t that a wonderful term! Being able to bounce back, even being able to see the good in the disturbance (learn the lesson). And isn’t that what life is all about anyway? From the higher perspective, with a physical body, mind, and emotions in tow, the Soul incarnates to learn and to usher itself back into the heart of God. If one can do that while still on the planet, it’s a lesson in learning how to die from this world every day through spiritual exercises, and finally in the end through leaving the body behind for the last time.

Down here on earth, I pray every day for resilience, compassion, heartfelt expression, and just plain loving myself and everyone and everything else. Big order, I know. One day at a time, one acknowledgement at a time. One apology at a time. I invite you to comment on this post or ask questions either by clicking on the space below or contacting me directly at carol.jones43@yahoo.com

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