Archive for trauma healing

2011 in review

Dear Readers,
I haven’t posted lately because I’ve been busy editing prior posts and your comments in preparation for sending the manuscript to my editor for her first serious, contracted take on how it will shape up into a book. There are 47 posts and uncounted comments from you, my dear friends, in support of the writing and my personal process and Kenny’s Soul. Below is a report that WordPress produced just for your fun look-see and your Light. Before you read that, I am including the Preface that Kenny dictated through my hand just recently. It’s quite profound and gives us an idea of how the Soul looks at the human experience. Here goes:

The purpose of this book from my point of view is Divine Intervention. We are all divine and until the moment of our death, we doubt that Divinity. From the plane on which I’m now living and looking, the human being is a direct emanation from Soul, from the God Source, therefore Divine in every cell, every breath, even every thought, if one is willing to observe the root of the thought. The root of all thoughts, whether toxic or benevolent, is contained, surrounded, and embedded with Living Love.

 In this book, the reader will find a personal blessing on every page, whether it is describing a perceived negative occurrence or a revelation of the Divine. The Lord God of the Universe oversees all levels of creation and loves them all. It is only believing our mind that leads us astray. My darling wife has given of her very nature in the outpourings on these pages. Read with an open mind and awareness of how your spiritual heart is responding. Therein lay the opportunity to make choices in alignment with your highest good. And so it will at once touch your loved ones whether they are aware of it or not. For every organism is connected to every other organism in the universe, and each one is contained within the whole—the Holy Spirit, the One God of the Universe.

 By the way, I am as we say on earth, “in blissful heaven.” I am working hard, resting well, and contributing so much more than I could in my human body. And in case you’re wondering, I spend time with Carol on a regular basis, mostly while she is sleeping. If you would like me to, I will be glad to make myself known to you also. Just ask inwardly for my presence (for the highest good of course—there is no imposition meant here).

 I always remain a devoted student of the Holy Spirit, Carol’s loving husband in Spirit, and your friend,
Ken Jones

And here’s a quote from Kenny while he was still with us that spells out very clearly the message of this book. He was, and still remains, quite the writer:

 “I do not know what Spirit has in store for me. I will keep breathing as long as Spirit gives me breath. And if melanoma absolutely must claim my body, it can have it. Melanoma cannot go where I go, because I go into the pure Spirit of the Soul Realm that is my true home.”

Ken Jones
December, 2009

Loving you all and so appreciating your ongoing support and Light. It’s immeasurable.

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 10,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.


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Assuming Kenny and I agreed to work out our life lessons as husband and wife before we incarnated this lifetime—and I do. Assume his two previous marriages and my two previous marriages fulfilled the exact parts of these life lessons in the perfect way they were supposed to—and I do. Assume we promised each other we would “go into the heart of God together,” and we did. Promise that is. Go into the Heart of God together?  That’s what this writing is all about.

I’ve talked about the deepest love either of has ever known from a mate—the underlying glue that held us together on the highest levels. I’ve also talked about the miasm* we were enmeshed in, the karmic flow or in more descriptive terms, the energetic tableau.  But I’m getting a deeper glimpse these last few days. Knowing we always do the best we can with who we are and what resources we have at the time, this is not about looking back with blame or regret. This is about looking into the consciousness for a deeper cut—a view from the unconditional love of the Soul—a place of forgiveness and compassion.

With that said, I invite you to embrace the rest of this story from the same place.

Early in the marriage there were signs of “sandpapering,” a kind term for conflict. Differences in how we functioned in the world as individuals. Some minor differences we were able to work with, but the essential, deep-seated, maybe even ancient patterns that one would consider weaknesses or character defects or more accurately blocks to spiritual awareness, were set in reactivity to each other. It was a perfect match. He was allowed to continue his unconscious avoidance of relating to me as his partner in such a way that allowed my unconscious avoidance to blind me to that which would unveil my next steps in my own spiritual growth. Oh we worked on “issues,” we came to some agreements, we at least rose above the “you must-squeeze-the-toothpaste-tube-the-way-I-want-you-to” kinds of sandpapering.

But for those many years, fifteen to be exact, in secret he went his way and I avoided mine. I was so busy “handling” his much more obvious challenges, I couldn’t see mine. Oh I’d have glimpses (which probably scared the pants off me) and then I’d brush them aside. Sometimes I’d be completely resigned that our life together on these levels would never change, and I’d better just be happy with what we did have, not realizing, not having a clue that if I would just change one thing about me, that would affect us dramatically.

So fear ran my relationship with Kenny—if I came to my senses I would have to leave. Or surely he would leave me. Rather than risk that kind of change, I remained mired in my own participation in the miasm we had slipped into so silently.

Remember all this is seated in the traumatized nervous system.* There was no escape. Patterns were set in frozen nerve pathways. Reactions were predictable and limited to those resulting in fighting or fleeing.  As a result there were many opportunities in those glimpses to precipitate change that were ignored.  Because the gentler approach was not recognized or heeded many times over, God now set about preparing us for the most impactful experience of our lives. And this, from my view, was the purpose for the diagnosis of incurable, highly advanced, inoperable melanoma cancer—a three-to-six-month death sentence. If we, as a committed unit didn’t get it now, there would not be another chance.

In a flash, we were hurtled into action, as I’ve said before. Apologies for past indiscretions and hurts flew back and forth. We came into the oneness of Spirit, of seeing the path we were to take clearly and unmistakably. You could say the fear of death awakened us into positive action, leaving behind everything no longer in alignment with the goal—Kenny getting well again and loving ourselves and each other so completely that nothing else mattered. It was a beautiful experience of clarity of purpose. I’ve written about this so many times within this blog. Have a look.

What strikes me now is that God so loved us, his children that he made us in Jesus’ likeness, that he would even snuff out the physical life of one of us in order to have us learn what we agreed to embrace before incarnating into these bodies. And here I sit, in complete and utter awe that this consciousness, this nervous system, held the old pattern of gripping so tightly that my darling husband would have to die, not just take a break, or leave my side, but forever die to this world for the last time in order for us both to take our next steps in realizing who we are. He would take those steps in the next world. I am left to take them here.

And I’m guessing he would say the same thing. “My consciousness, my nervous system, held on so dearly to my patterns, I would have to leave this world to meld with the Divine.” And the process of leaving, from my vantage point, was what set him apart from all past actions, all patterns, all miasms. In a blaze of glory, he left this world knowing who he was, who God is, and where he was going. We could not, in our wildest dreams, ask for a more graceful and tender goodbye.

Tears well up as I now look upon this story, this era of my life, with the compassion and loving that bring forth understanding and peace. The Spiritual Promise was fulfilled and in our heart of hearts, we knew it would be. I stood by him as he ascended into the Heart of God, and I know he will be one of those ushering me on the same path when it’s my time to go. It is with profound gratitude to my Kenny for sacrificing his life so that I may grow closer to God and closer to knowing I am one with God, closer to realizing my Self that I write this and share it with you.

God bless us all.

I invite you to comment either by clicking on the box below or emailing me directly at Feel free to share this blog with anyone.

* From the Greek miasma |mīˈazmə; mē-|

noun ( pl. -mas or -mata |-mətə|) poetic/literary

• figurative an oppressive or unpleasant atmosphere that surrounds or emanates from something : a miasma of despair rose from the black workshops.*

* See previous blog posts for more information on Somatic Therapy and the nervous system.

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Have I Ever Said I’m Sorry to Myself?

I haven’t made an entry in several months. Have been deeply experiencing the changes in my consciousness due to a strengthened nervous system. Have watched myself respond differently to stress, differently to the unexpected, differently to what before might have caused me to react negatively. Yet I haven’t known what to write. Remember I am still reeling from the effects of my Kenny’s illness and death. A whole new era of my life has opened up, for which he prepared me, outfitted me to the hilt by allowing me to learn unconditional love and unconditional service, selfless service for the last nine months of his life. This constant positive input culminating with his conscious death and glorious ascension into the heart of God, was like shooting me out of a cannon–a wildly targeted blast to my consciousness.

While I miss him still, even after all these months, I can only move forward, processing the new awarenesses, the new behaviors, the new thoughts and emotions, the greater capacity to love and forgive. In my marriage I didn’t have the courage to face my own demons, so I spent inordinate energy, time, frustration, and upset, trying to fix Kenny’s demons. They at least had names. Mine were so hidden I couldn’t name them let alone define them and work with them. Now don’t you find that pretty stupid? Haven’t you heard it said so many times over your lifetime that you cannot change anyone else? Well I have too. Honestly! Many times! But being locked into a deeply embedded channel of reactivity, scarred by multiple traumas to my nerve pathways throughout at least this lifetime, provided the blinders that matched Kenny’s blinders perfectly. Isn’t karma wonderful! Well OK, hindsight is 20-20 vision, right? I’m not saying all this to berate myself, more I am in awe of how karma works. How locked in we can get when we don’t want to see. We don’t want to move. We don’t want to risk change or even just look at the truth.

My Somatic therapist asked me during one of my sessions if I had compassion for myself. I had to think and then I said I had spent a lot of time regretting my actions or non-actions, or wishing I had more consciousness to do things differently. That compassion came only painstakingly and only rarely. In my Doctor of Spiritual Science class my partner asked me if I’ve ever told myself I’m sorry for past actions and judgments. I had to say no, I hadn’t.

I had been taught about self-forgiveness in my spiritual practices—to forgive myself for judging myself, not for past actions since what good would it do to judge an action that had already taken place, but for the judgment I placed on myself which still sits in here buffering me against my will. But I never thought to tell myself I’m sorry for these actions. So, my friends, this entry was about caring enough for myself to apologize for the less than highest good actions that I either planned myself or promoted by virtue of abdication of my responsibility to myself. And the ones I incurred because of ignorance or not taking myself and my conditions seriously enough or out of plain unawareness if that’s a word—it’s an important one in my book of metaphors.

So broadcasting this across all systems on all levels of consciousness including my physical body, I’m telling every cell of my being all about the love and compassion I am now experiencing for myself and for others. The reptilian mind is being soothed. It can distinguish much more clearly between actual danger and perceived danger and it acts more according to the current situation instead of being locked into “fight or flight.”

My somatic practices make space in my consciousness every day for deep breaths, for anchoring in the new behaviors, for being OK with any feelings or thoughts that may be disturbing, all because I have the tools now to move me from disturbance to okay-ness. And at times I can even move from okay-ness to joy. They call it being resilient. Isn’t that a wonderful term! Being able to bounce back, even being able to see the good in the disturbance (learn the lesson). And isn’t that what life is all about anyway? From the higher perspective, with a physical body, mind, and emotions in tow, the Soul incarnates to learn and to usher itself back into the heart of God. If one can do that while still on the planet, it’s a lesson in learning how to die from this world every day through spiritual exercises, and finally in the end through leaving the body behind for the last time.

Down here on earth, I pray every day for resilience, compassion, heartfelt expression, and just plain loving myself and everyone and everything else. Big order, I know. One day at a time, one acknowledgement at a time. One apology at a time. I invite you to comment on this post or ask questions either by clicking on the space below or contacting me directly at

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My Life Partner is Gone–My Awakening Begins

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